so many satellites

BOO YEAH

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:20:20 GMT

TOTALLY GOT AN A+ IN THEORETICAL PHYSICS.

That course was hardcore, man, and I went into it with really crappy math skills - and the course is essentially mathematical tools for physicists, fourier and complex and differential analysis.

It was curved, and like whoa, but I put twenty hours a week into that course more often than not, so that was definitely earned. And the three people I worked with, Joseph, Jeff, and Zack, all got A+'s too, which is awesome, because that course was such a team effort.

Just thermodynamics left, and I realized today that if I get 56% on the final, I get an A- in the course. Everything after that is just gravy! Awesome.

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Invisible Illness Week

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:46:46 GMT

From rm and mellacita.

1. The illness I live with is:
Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
February 2009

3. But I had symptoms since:
As long as I can remember.

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is:
Accepting that I couldn't fix myself. All the lifestyle changes I was trying to do before, but until I got medication it never worked.

5. Most people assume:
I honestly don't really know. I know some people have assumed I had AD/HD, but probably more than said it. I think people wouldn't pick up on anything right now, except maybe think I talk a lot and fast, but before the meds, gee. A lot of things. That I'm not actually interested in our conversation because I keep getting distracted or interrupting. That I don't want to beta your fic because I haven't been able to read it all yet. That I'm lazy or a procrastinator and have terrible study habits. That I have a shitty memory. That I don't want to be an equal partner because I don't do my chores. (That one sucked.) That I'm addicted to my computer. (I wasn't: it was a coping mechanism.) So many things!

6. The hardest part about mornings is:
Getting out of bed. One of the less-obvious side-effects of my AD/HD is that I have low energy levels due to the lack of dopamine in my brain, and getting out of bed in the morning can be so, so difficult. Once I metabolize the Concerta, the sleepiness that used to follow me through the day is gone.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
Eh. Used to watch ER a bit, seen some Grey's anatomy. Not really my thing, but not because of the AD/HD, since that was before the diagnosis.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is:
My cellphone. I use it to set alarms all the time so that when I get distracted and forget I have to leave or do something, it reminds me. Various things perform this function for me - email, planners, alarm clocks, but the cellphone is the most portable and gadgety.

9. The hardest part about nights is:
Going to sleep before the Concerta or Ritalin wears off. Not happening - it's a stimulant for sure!

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins.
30mg slow release dose of Concerta. If I have to do something in the evenings that requires above-average focus, I supplement it with a 10mg short-acting pill of Ritalin, since I find the Concerta wears off after about 12 hours.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I:
Haven't tried too much that's really medical, just focused on the lifestyle adjustments that AD/HD requires: a LOT of organization, redundant systems of reminders and notes and back-up plans, tricks to bleed out excessive energy so it doesn't distract or bother.

I'm not in therapy, since I'm feeling sufficiently able to function on my own right now and not emotionally off-balance, and I don't actually know what non-medical options there are right now! I'm fit, I eat well, I get good sleep, I have good relationships with family and friends, and I'm not stressed out, so I don't think a lifestyle change would do anything.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
An invisible one. I get to control who knows this about me, and while I'm probably more happy to share than the average person, I'm glad I get that choice.

13. Regarding working and career:
I fucked up my GPA over it, though fortunately managed to keep my physics courses at par. Failing two midterms in one day was the final straw in terms of going to the doctor for help, and I dropped two courses and asked for help in another in order to make it through that semester. If I'd gotten diagnosed earlier, I probably would have had a lot better - academically and emotionally - first three years of university. I didn't, though, and this is the first semester where I get the chance to finally see if I can live up to the potential I know I have inside of me. Results pending.

Long-term, though, the undiagnosed AD/HD severely affected my career dreaming and planning. The worse it got, the more I thought I'd never be able to get a PhD or be an academic, because there was no way I'd be able to focus in such a self-directed environment. And that spiraled into not thinking I was going to be able to succeed at anything, because I was completely unable to complete tasks or plan things or learn new material in such an overwhelming way. The best thing about getting diagnosed is that I feel like I have a future in what I'm interested again.

14. People would be surprised to know:
That I've had it all my life. You don't "get" AD/HD - the diagnostic criteria for adults require it to be present throughout childhood. I was top of my class all the way to the end of high school, and I didn't fit the stereotype of aggressive, frustrated, and failing boy. But that's just how one subset of AD/HD sufferers present - I, and many other girls in particular, presented differently, and because I was a quick learner and eager to please, I managed to succeed when the material was easy enough (as it was all the way through high school).

It was only when the material - and life - got complicated enough that I was no longer able to compensate. That's what made it unbearable for me, and obvious for others. But I still had it when I was young - sometimes I wonder if I might have stuck with more extracurriculars I got bored with and gave up on despite enjoying if I'd been diagnosed younger.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is:
That this thing is real, and not something I've made up to excuse my laziness/poor habits/bad memory/procrastination. That getting a medical boost is okay. That I actually do have AD/HD, even when I've been taking the medication long enough I've forgotten what it feels like to be off it.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was:
See above about being an academic. I never thought I'd be able to do anything that required self-direction, because I couldn't make myself do it, no matter how hard I tried.

17. The commercials about my illness
Hm. I don't watch much TV with ads anymore, so I don't think I've seen any since I got diagnosed, and don't recall any from before.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed:
Napping. I can't do it when I've been taking stimulants all day, even if I'm actually underslept. Only not really, because the napping got to be a super-excessive escape from reality in the worst of ways.

19. It was really hard to give up:
Fortunately, I haven't had to give up anything.

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is:
Reading! Okay, that's an old-new hobby, but I lost my ability to read more years ago than I care to admit. I used to be able to hyper-focus on books as a child, but that went away, and it had been ages since I'd been able to read more than a couple chapters of any book. I missed it so, so much.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would:
I do now, I think. I used to think the way my brain functioned was normal - it raced, it flickered, it was like constant channel-changing with multiple channels playing at once, overloading and overwhelming and sometimes making me feel physically nauseous. On the meds, that's gone. I'm lucky that though AD/HD is chronic, mine is responsive to long-used and low-side-effect drugs.

22. My illness has taught me:
That it's okay to admit you can't do it alone.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is:
"America is AD/HD". (Really?) "AD/HD is over-diagnosed." (Not in girls it isn't.) Both of these are just ways of saying "your disability isn't real because some of the criteria are things everybody has". That's true of every mental disability.

24. But I love it when people:
Get that even though it's not the worst or most serious or untreatable of disabilities, it fucked my life up royally and was completely emotionally, mentally, and physically overwhelming.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
"I don't always feel lucky, but I'm smart enough to try." (Ani Difrano) Because that really describes my worldview: I've got it damned good, even when I don't, and living like I do is half the battle.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them:
YOU AREN'T LAZY, AND YOU AREN'T ALONE. And there are tried-and-true drugs that help the root of the problem that may very well help you: find a doctor who will listen to you and help you try them. And most of all: I know you've tried. I know you've read the self-help books and bought ten planners and set up thousands of reminders and shut out all distractions and tried to just make yourself better. If you've done all that and you're at the end of your rope: get help, because it's there and it's okay to need it.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
I even qualify to fill out this survey. I'm a "live in the moment" person, so the longer I'm functioning well the easier it is to forget that if I stop taking those pills, I fall apart. Maybe some day I'll be brave enough to try it, but honestly? I doubt it. The Concerta works amazingly, and it has almost no side-effects, and when I do think about it, I'm terrified of going back to how I was before.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was:
Tried to work with me to be able to function around the AD/HD - mostly B, though there have been others. And told me to get help, since without him saying "attention deficit disorder" I never would have considered it.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
I'm not, but I saw this meme, and I've been meaning to write up a post detailing my experiences in a cohesive form. This is because I actually helped someone recently by sharing my experiences, and if I can do that again in any way, shape, or form, it's worth it. I didn't know anyone who had AD/HD when I got diagnosed, and that was scary because even though my friends and family were supportive, nobody could say "I've been there, I've seen it from where you are now, and it will get better".

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Good. I'm not shy about talking about it, but I still have a hard time being able to say, "Hi, my name is dem, and I have a learning disability". So, hi, my name is dem, and I have a learning disability.

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Whoops.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 03:28:59 GMT

DAMN YOU KEL. DAMN YOU TO PIECES.

No, not really. *blows kisses to kel_reiley*

But it is her fault I just dropped too much money on this cape, especially after factoring in shipping and exchange rate (andtheextraheadbandithrewin), because I'd never heard of Modcloth before she linked to it.

My excuse? I live in Canada. I have to wear a coat for a good six or seven months out of the year. I need variety! (Plus, CAPE.)

I've never bought clothes ~~offline~~ online* before, but the reviews are good so... *crosses fingers*

*I have trouble with this phrase, because I really want to say "off online", but it gets shortened to "off line" and then the total opposite of what I really mean.

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Movies!

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 12:54:41 GMT

The last two movies I've seen in theatres have both been really enjoyable. I'm not a particularly critical movie watcher, in that I generally can get into most any movie that isn't a Will Ferrel comedy (sorry B, and your epic love for Talladega Nights) without worrying too much about anything in particular, but these two stood out as more than just good times.

1. District 9: epic, but somehow it also felt nicely small. I loved the style, it felt very forward-thinking instead of falling into your standard action-movie, but it also wasn't trying to be pretentious and was happy to admit it was an action flick, just with a brain and a conscious as well. I have a low gore tolerance, and for the most part, whenever it got to the point that I had to shut my eyes, they cut the tension and moved on. That's always a sign for me that the gore is tempered and not just for slasher thrills. I loved the split documentary/regular footage style, and despite the long runtime I was always itching to see where it went next.

I thought they did a great job making the aliens relatable, but also making it clear why humans were refusing to integrate them into mainstream society. They seemed animalistic on the whole, but once we got to know a couple, the filmmakers did an excellent job building empathy founded on understanding rather than pity. Absolutely superb CG went a long way to this. It's funny comparing the CG in this to Lord of the Rings. LotR had pretty awesome CG "for it's day", but you could still sort of see the edges around the computer generated creatures. This film contained constant, close-up interaction between aliens and humans, and holy crap did you not even think about it except to go "how is this possible?" I'm a sucker for good graphic, and this got an A+++.

Best part, was I was incredibly satisfied with the ending. This film could have ended badly in so many ways, so it was a pleasant surprise to find myself happy with the ending on many levels. Yay for innovative sci-fi!

On the other hand, District 9 completely failed in the Bechdel test department. Even the aliens we got to know were clearly male; the only women we saw were unnamed or the protagonist's wife in a purely wife role.

So Julie&Julia? The perfect anecdote. Not only did it have many scenes in both times which focused on two women talking about something other than men (usually food, but not always), those were solid friendships. Furthermore, it was two female stories that weren't about getting or losing or hating men - each of them are married and (nearly) completely happy in their marriages. I felt positively bubbly watching a story about women without having to put up with awkward, over-the-top and convoluted romances.

The one scene in Julie&Julia that felt out of place to me was the Sex and the City style lunch with the "power women" who were supposedly Julie's friends. I get that it was the impetus for the breakdown that lead Julie to write the blog (though now I want to know if they added that to the script or not) but it didn't fit at all with Julie's lifestyle or personality. Sure, you hang on to friends, but not to that extent, and these women were caricatures in a sadly over-done way! It just felt forced. I'd give them a pass if it's straight from her blog, though.

The rest of it didn't at all - Amy Adams was adorable and perfect in her character, and who can say anything bad about Meryl Streep? She nailed Julia's unforgiving and often brash joy and optimism in a heartwarming and hilarious way. Jo and I cracked up the whole way through. As someone who totally gets the need to accomplish something of some sort, just to feel a little less useless (I rolled by eyes a bit at the ADD line, to be honest), I totally got where these women were coming from, and felt buoyed by watching it.

Do not watch on an empty stomach, though! French cooking isn't my particular favourite (though we eat it a lot at home, since that's how my dad cooks - and very well, I just am not a rich sauce type person) but if I hadn't eaten dinner right before, it would have been torture.

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:18:11 GMT

Didn't take my Concerta (ADD meds) today. I find myself thinking on occasion "hey, I'm fine, I don't have ADD, this is all a load of crock!" and then I go off then for one day and end up at "oh, right. That's why."

I want to make this:

(source)

I made the boy turn around and drive back by this bus stop near our apartment to take this photo:

I want... well, things that aren't appropriate for mixed company:

(source and more)

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this canadian is sick and tired of the smear

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:54:00 GMT

Not because I think most of you on my flist need it, but maybe you can link others to it. This is a great article addressing the myths about the Canadian health care system.

Debunking Canadian health care myths, in the Denver Post.

From it being financially impossible:

Myth: The Canadian system is significantly more expensive than that of the U.S.

Ten percent of Canada's GDP is spent on health care for 100 percent of the population. The U.S. spends 17 percent of its GDP but 15 percent of its population has no coverage whatsoever and millions of others have inadequate coverage. In essence, the U.S. system is considerably more expensive than Canada's. Part of the reason for this is uninsured and underinsured people in the U.S. still get sick and eventually seek care. People who cannot afford care wait until advanced stages of an illness to see a doctor and then do so through emergency rooms, which cost considerably more than primary care services.

to it being too bureaucratic:

Myth: Canada's health care system is a cumbersome bureaucracy.

The U.S. has the most bureaucratic health care system in the world. More than 31 percent of every dollar spent on health care in the U.S. goes to paperwork, overhead, CEO salaries, profits, etc. The provincial single-payer system in Canada operates with just a 1 percent overhead. Think about it. It is not necessary to spend a huge amount of money to decide who gets care and who doesn't when everybody is covered.

to wait times:

Myth: There are long waits for care, which compromise access to care.

There are no waits for urgent or primary care in Canada. There are reasonable waits for most specialists' care, and much longer waits for elective surgery. Yes, there are those instances where a patient can wait up to a month for radiation therapy for breast cancer or prostate cancer, for example. However, the wait has nothing to do with money per se, but everything to do with the lack of radiation therapists. Despite such waits, however, it is noteworthy that Canada boasts lower incident and mortality rates than the U.S. for all cancers combined, according to the U.S. Cancer Statistics Working Group and the Canadian Cancer Society. Moreover, fewer Canadians (11.3 percent) than Americans (14.4 percent) admit unmet health care needs.

All these ones in particular have been driving me *nuts* to read over and over again.

If all of this is true, why is the question so hard? I think it comes down to a fundamental ideological difference between Canada and the US (or Europe and the US, to a greater extreme). The US is all about individual rights, freedom of the individual, and capitalism at it's heart - look at the Amendments, that's what they're all about. That's what the country was founded on. If you can't afford it, it's because you as an individual haven't worked hard enough, and that's your problem. You control your own destiny. But is society actually set up to support that? Historic biases, the hit-and-miss of privilege tells it it's not, and than the American Dream is really just that - a dream.

Canada, not so much. We're not as socialist as Europe, but we do, in the majority, lack the foundation of "individual over society". Rather, the welfare of the whole of society is superior to the rights of the individual. What does that mean? Well, it means we expect our rich to give up the right to snap their fingers for instant care so that every member of society can have access to equally good medical care. It's obvious, but only when you switch the lens around. All of the arguments against socialize health care essentially boil down to "but my right to get whatever I can pay for is more important than equality". I'm not going to say that's the wrong mindset, but it's not mine and not one I want governing the country I live in.

Reason #5995 why I hate PETA

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:54:49 GMT

Sigh.

On a slight tangent, I'm reading Michael Pollan's "In Defense of Food" (I loved his Omnivore's Dilemma so much, but it was mostly about the environmental ethics and economics of our food system, not what that means for our health).

I've been pondering my own relationship with food and my self-image. I sort of have a post written up in my head, but I'm hesitant to post it because I actually have a very good relationship with food and my own body, and definitely fall on the "skinny" side of things. So I'm a bit afraid of insulting somebody, despite the fact that my thoughts are hardly "I have willpower about food so I'm not overweight, nyah!" (Because that's neither true nor kind.)

It's sort of me trying to pick apart why unlike what seems like every single woman my age, and ten years in either direction (if not more) I don't have a heck of a lot of doubt about how I look. I feel like I got really lucky there, and I've been going over my life to figure out how I ended up here, because damn, I want my daughters (and sons) to have the same perspective. I think my attitudes toward food are pretty intertwined with it, so it sort of all goes together in the end. A lot of what Pollan says about how we eat in North America - and though I think we're a tiny bit better in Canada because we don't have powerful food lobby groups, we still eat much the same as Americans - rings true for me, especially because I think I've been able to avoid the worst of it.

And, if I go much longer I'll actually write the post accidentally, so we'll leave it there. More to the point: PETA's made up of assholes, sorry.

Also, I think I'm going to try and have a "Spend Nothing Month" in September. It probably won't start until I'm back from camping (because sometimes when camping you just need to buy a spoon because you forgot all yours) but from Sept. 9th to Oct. 9th would work, assuming I've already bought my textbooks. Obviously, things like bathroom products and groceries are allowed, but not much else. Eating food out would only be okay if it was a social thing (and not "I was too lazy to pack a lunch"), but no more random coffees*, off-the-cuff iTunes downloads, clothes, nail polish & make-up... actually I can't think of anything else I randomly buy. But this will probably (a) be harder than I'm anticipating and (b) save me all that "where did that thirty dollars disappear to?" lost money.

There are a few things like this I'd like to do, to be more active about the social issues I think and read about, but most of them will probably wait until I move out of my parents house. Things like cutting out all processed foods, being aggressive in how much non-recyclable, non-composting waste I produce (and therefore purchase - like trying not to buy food products in non-recyclable containers, shunning blister packs as much as possible), being more aware of what impact the brands I purchase have on the world, using "natural" household cleaners rather than the chemical ones, trying not to use the car unless absolutely necessary, and so on and so forth. The boy and I are really interested in putting energy in those directions when we move back in together, and I think picking apart our consumer habits and lifestyle will be really interesting and worth the time. We were lazy in the past when neither of us had the spoons for it, but I think now we do.

*I might keep going to my local organic "more than" fair trade coffeeshop, because that's something I feel like supporting as a consumer.

conversations with the boy

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 20:42:32 GMT

B: Did you hear Les Paul died?
Me: Who? Oh, the drag queen?
B: *dies a little death*
Me: Oh wait, that's RuPaul. Nevermind then.
B: *never forgives me ever*

Trolls will be trolls

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:46:59 GMT

Introduction

I want to say right off the bat that this isn't personal for me. I'm not really in the Torchwood fandom anymore, I'm not much of a target, I don't post at torchwood_house (TWH) anymore, and I'm not even reading Torchwood fanfiction. My perspective through all of this has been one of emotional detachment and practical "oh, not this again". But my friends online have been targeted, and are now being played in a way intended to divide (no matter what the truth is), and I'm worried that somebody else will be as naive as we were and get hurt.

That's why I'm posting this. Not to slander somebody's virtual name, not because I've been hurt and feel the need to tell everyone, but because trolling sucks and it's easier to prevent if people talk openly about it. I've given people the benefit of the doubt before, I've erred on the side of secrecy, and though I don't regret that choice then, it's not the right one now. I know some people - inside and out of TWH - might think I'm writing this out of some sense of paranoia, or to gain attention, but neither of those are true: rather, I think gossip, filtered posts, and behind-the-scenes emails are only going to contribute to a loss of trust and real paranoia.

For the record, I don't have the approval or even the knowledge of most of the members of TWH before posting this. They are part of the story, but the story isn't really about them: it's about a troll and not a rec comm. My only claim in telling it is that I helped gather most of the information herein, so my perspective is perhaps a little broader and more complete than most. In the end, I'm writing this myself because I feel it's necessary, and I can't ask anybody else to do it for me.

This is an account of the facts as I know them. I'll try to present them without excessive commentary, but I will sum up why I draw the conclusions I do from all this, because to me, the worst part of all of this is that it can't be solved either way, except by the suspected party. Every piece of evidence on its own is unremarkable; together, the truth is pretty obvious. To see that whole picture, though, I'll have to go back to March. Oh, and my apologies up-front for gendered pronoun confusion!

Part One: Athaari and TWH

athaari created her livejournal in May of 2008, initially under the name kate23534. She was, when I began writing this, no longer on my friendslist, and her account is now suspended, but I believe very few or none of her forty entries are friendslocked. Almost all that are and were there are fic recommendations lists. Despite that, none of the members of torchwood_house had heard of her until she began commenting on the fic of several members. As a result, at least one of us (thaddeusfavour ) friended her. As far as I recall, we discussed briefly whether or not to invite her to join TWH; I can't recall what was said, only that at the time of the ask_captainjack wank, she wasn't a member.

What's relevant about that wank? Well, if you were in fandom at the time, you'll probably remember there were a variety of opinions about that particular blog; some positive, some blase, some negative. torchwood_house members fell all over the map, but were pretty much unified in our annoyance at the blogger being called a pedophile. A few of us, and a few others, got in an argument about it on the Torchwood Writers' Union (TWU) discussion boards, particularly with one other member, C. C and a friend, N, also had voiced her disagreement over what she called the current trend of "OOC darkfic" on TWH, particularly over the rec of cyus's fic, Wired. As a result, they had started up her own recommendations community as an alternative. So there was visible animosity between TWH members and C and N, on boards, their journals, and in the two rec comms.

It was around this time that athaari posted a defense of TWH on her journal. I no longer have access to it, and I don't believe anyone thought to screencap it, but it was essentially a defense of our decision to rec Wired. Since thaddeusfavour had athaari friended, she picked it up and brought it to the group. In discussions with thaddeusfavour and other members whom she had friended, athaari also mentioned that she'd received a nasty PM from C and N in response to her supportive (and public) post about TWH. She shared the PM with a couple members, who brought it to the group - indeed, it was nasty, and accused athaari of "licking our asses" to join. We were appalled that anyone would write such a thing!

We decided to issue an invite to join TWH. Note that we wouldn't have done so had she not already been posting her own fic recommendations, but the support she'd shown us (in a time when ragging on TWH on the anon meme, who_anon, was a somewhat popular activity) pushed it over the edge. We mentioned the PM (with no names) in public in a post kel_reiley made disputing some claims made against us, and C, claiming ignorance, asked to see it. Since kel_reiley hadn't mentioned who had received it, she acted as intermediary: athaari gave her a screenshot, and she sent it to C. C stated that she'd never seen it, and filed a report with LJ, believing her account to be hacked. Presumably, nothing came of that report; if it did, C never mentioned it.

Once in, the community went on as normal. Athaari was perhaps a little overbearing for a new member, taking charge and bossing others around, but it was easy enough to put that aside as personality. Some members were a little uncomfortable with her, but that wouldn't come out until later. On March 5th, however, kalichan stepped forward to bring up an incident she'd found out about on her flist, wherein kayliemalinza had noticed athaari had very nearly copied a line from one of her stories. Kayliemalinza had asked athaari to edit the line, or give credit. Athaari edited the line to be a little less similar, but otherwise excused herself as "not being a native English speaker and thinking it was a common phrase". Kayliemalinza, while willing to give the benefit of the doubt in terms of motives, was uncomfortable with the situation and pushed athaari to get rid of the phrase. Athaari responded coldly and finally, "no".

Edgy as TWH was at the time with the ask-captainjack wank, we were wary of being accused of soliciting plagiarizers. As it was one line and not (yet) a pattern, we had no intention of removing her membership, but as we had friends of Kayliemalinza's in the group, we felt obligated to talk to athaari ourselves. We were sorting out how to clear up our position on plagiarism with her when the discussion turned from this incident to several people's "gut feelings" about athaari and her actions, particularly in how she had become a member of TWH. Discussion exploded - it turned out many people had been biting their tongues - and eventually, I stumbled across the salient question:

Had anyone seen the PM?

We quickly established that kel_reiley had, in fact, not looked at the screenshot more than cursorily when passing it on, and initially, we'd only seen the text copy-pasted into other media. I got a copy of the screenshot and took a look. I'm no photoshop expert, but I was immediately sure it was fake. Further examination and comparison between it and a real PM confirmed it: the screenshot wans't real at all. Furthermore, I recalled a comment conversation I'd had with athaari, wherein I'd told her she should screencap the PM for reference, and she claimed not to know how to do that. I found the conversation in comments to one of my posts: it was ten days after the screenshot was supposedly taken (apparently the day she received it: see the "three hours ago" in the image).

Putting it all together, it was clear we'd been manipulated - at C's expense. I wasn't - and am still not - sure of why she'd bothered to do it. Clearly, she'd wanted "in", but it's never made much sense to us. Did she want in because she genuinely wanted to be what part of what she saw as the "cool kids table"? Or did she resent us for even appearing to be said table? Did she pick our group at random, and was really just looking for some fun? None of us were interested in finding out, or being friends with this kind of a liar, so we made the decision to remove her from the community. Her initial response was to claim ignorance, but ultimately made a post on her journal admitting to everything she'd done. [1, 2, 3] That, and her continual self-references on who_anon, suggest attention of any kind was her motive. We were happy to be rid of her without anything worse happening, and never said anything in public (or even out of filters).

Part Two: Godofstrife and TWH

Athaari was removed from TWH on March 6th. godofstrife's entered the LJ world on March 9th, and immediately began moving to friend members of TWH. Comments were left on our fic and entries, and his very first post on March 29th was made on a topic that some of us were happy to jump on. I remember this from the time, but moreover, just before we removed him from the community, his 39 person friendslist was made up primarily of my circle of friends - many of whom belong to TWH. He made a comment somewhere - I can't find it, but I recall it being not directed AT me but left where I would see it - about tagging TWH recs systematically on del.icio.us for kicks. Since our previous volunteer hadn't continued, I suggested he take over that account if he was going to do it anyway, and he said yes. This was April 19th, according to the emails I've kept. Two months later - June 17th, again according to emails - we decided it made sense for him to be a member of the comm so he could access our discussions, and he had expressed some interest in reccing anyway. It only made sense.

Again, the community went on as normal. I'd gone to Europe for a month and more or less dropped out, and it wasn't until July 21st that another member, who'd been spot-on with her instincts regarding athaari, ventured forth to question godofstrife's identity and motives - initially inspired by his attitudes in the comm, which were, like athaari, a little too confident and controlling for a new member.

Athaari, as she presented herself, had given us a few details to her RL persona. She's female. Her first language is German. She goes to university in Hamburg (where all her IPs on TWU originate from). We had similar details from godofstrife: he's male, gay, has a boyfriend, lives with his parents, goes to boarding school in Bavaria, was living in Turkey but moved during the summer to Germany. He lists his birthdate as being in 1992, meaning he was 16 when we first started talking to him (and is now 17). Not all of us knew all these details - I don't think any of us actually knew every one, it was just bits of information here and there, the way RL identities normally slip out on livejournal. Once we began talking about our instinctive unease, the puzzle started to fit together. Here's a list of the more substatial ones:

IP addresses did not match up with his supposed location.
IP addresses remained from the same location - Hamburg - when he claimed to be in another city, visiting his boyfriend.
The provider was the same as athaari's, and though there are no direct matches, they vary in the same way IP addresses across my university vary. (I.e. the XXX.XXX.XA.AA, where the A's would vary but the X's would be identical.)
He was too familiar with fandom - our fandom in particular - for a newbie.
He claimed to be a Merlin fan, posting recs and graphics, but like athaari had no Merlin fandom friends.
He picked topics and tasks that would draw our attention when he was a new face in fandom.
He is also German, but claims to be half-Turkish and from "butt-fuck" Turkey until two years ago, and yet displays no knowledge or cultural references to this.
His and athaari's photobuckets contain similar, Merlin-related graphics, and their overall graphic preferences are very similar. [athaari 1, athaari 2, godofstrife]
Both athaari and GoS had stop_plagiarism friended.
Both had gersteakknife friended (despite gersteakknife's fanfiction being locked before GoS joined fandom).
The scan of a German ID GoS posted on the fans_for_ianto comm had a name that was not the full name he had been using in emails (or even in that post). This post was deleted, and as GoS claims to be a minor, I have not provided the screenshot here, though we kept it. Incidentally, athaari also joined this group.
He both requested athaari's fic (that contained the plagiarised line) on twstoryfinder, AND commented on kayliemalinza's fic saying he'd found it from athaari's rec. He specifically picked out the "stylistic decisions and imagery" that athaari had plagiarised. These events occured in the same week, and godofstrife overall demonstrated the same level of interest in kayliemalinza's fic as athaari had.
GoS had made several posts on TWU about athaari, poking what we thought was a dead subject despite not having been present for any of it. He also encouraged kayliemalinza to re-make her plagiarism accusation post public.

All of this meant I was pretty sure godofstrife was athaari's sockpuppet, but none of it was proof. As godofstrife had only, thus far, been useful to us, we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt. They would stay a community member and we wouldn't speak of our suspicions - simply keep an eye out in case the trolling turned from passive infiltration to aggressive manipulation. There were enough coincidences to make us suspicous of godofstrife's identity to at least some degree, but there wasn't anything that suggested athaari was interested in creating more wank and division under this new name. Knowing her previous actions, though, we decided that if she was godofstrife, she wouldn't be content with being part of the group - she would start stirring things up eventually.

At the time, I don't think we realized how soon "eventually" would be. On August 4th, fandomsecrets contained this secret:

This, for thaddeusfavour, myself, and several others, was enough evidence that athaari would, in fact, not be content simply being "part of the group". Especially as the secret was patently wank-baiting about some serious issues that affect several members of our community, we were uninterested in giving them further access to our community, and sent them an email saying as much. We removed godofstrife from TWH.

But demotu, you say, couldn't athaari be picking on him and making you suspect him to troll you instead? Isn't that his excuse?

Frankly, no. Why? First off, the list of evidence above was compiled entirely off our own instincts and suspicions of godofstrife's behaviour, not athaari's. None of that was informed by this secret, or changes with it. Second, we never spoke beyond a small group about our godofstrife suspicions, nor changed our behaviour towards them. If athaari was not godofstrife, she had no way of knowing we had any suspicions in the first place. Could she have stalked TWH, seen godofstrife was a new member, found out he was male, gay, and German, and therefore likely to be suspected of lying? I suppose, but it's highly unlikely. We already felt that godofstrife knew too much about us and fandom and athaari herself to be who he said he was - that she'd chosen someone with all that already against him without it being true is so unlikely it's not even worth considering.

What's more unlikely is that she chose him, set him up with this secret, and then turned out to be right. Godofstrife has admitted to lying - but about what? His location, which he probably realized I had figured out was a lie, and it's easy enough to justify lying about where you live online. But other than that, nothing particular - which is probably because he doesn't know exactly what tipped us off, so can't format his justification to appease us. If he had lied about something particular (say, having a boyfriend, or being from Turkey, or being male) but was not athaari, he'd be able to come to us privately and say "this is how it really is", and it would fit. But he hasn't, and won't, because nothing would fit with all the details we've collected.

Furthermore, after posting under flock about it, more people came to me with bits and pieces, and we discovered other lies. One solid and substantiated one is godofstrife's association with the who_anon anonymous meme. Athaari is a known fan of trolling the meme about herself. Godofstrife had a conversation on May 23rd with one of our members in which he had never heard of the meme before, saying "I'm still very innocent when it comes to things LJ". [1, 2] The problem here is that a couple people had seen godofstrife "fail at anon" (post under his username) in the meme previously. Someone on my flist who wasn't a member of TWH but had the meme tracked came forward with a screenshot of that particular comment:

As you can see, it's from April 19th - a month before the conversation above. Not only that, it's in a thread about athaari, a thread of which she later admitted to playing both sides for fun. The comment itself is odd - it is careful to only mention knowledge of the PM that anyone might have access to, but it turns around and questions TWH's motives at a time when he was putting huge amounts of work into the TWH delicious account.

Why did he care? Why did he know anything about the athaari thing at all? He had no access to my posts about it (where almost all of TWH's discussion took place), and nobody by the meme and athaari had discussed it in public. Why did he feel the need to anonymously cast doubt on TWH's reasons for kicking athaari out, when he was actively friending so many of us? Why would he step in to clarify a situation that had happened before he was even around? Why lie to us about his knowledge of who_anon?

I know what I believe. Between the secret, this anon fail, and the twenty or so other small coincidences that were obvious before any of this was revealed, not believing godofstrife is athaari is a bit tricky. One has to come up with multiple excuses for multiple mistakes. One mistake, perhaps. All of these together? Godofstrife is athaari's sockpuppet. There may not be a smoking IP address, but no other answer fits.

We must fall back upon the old axiom that when all other contingencies fail, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
- Sherlock Holmes

Part Three: Going Forward

I still don't really know why athaari did it. Those friends of mine who have seen all this evidence and still believe that godofstrife isn't athaari, even that he is actually some regular German-Turkish teenager, struggle most with this, I think. It doesn't appear to be rational behaviour, and the motivation to do this is so foreign, it's easier to believe we're wrong. We are all nice people, and nobody wants to think the worst of someone, or hurt an innocent person.

Understanding trolls helps. This troll was pretty lame and tame - no money was stolen, no accounts were hacked, no personal details were made public, no employers were sent links to porn. But the essential motivation of this kind of troll is to lie, decieve, and manipulate in order to cause dissension in a group. It's entertaining to be the "one in the know", to have others believe every word you say even as you make it up on the spot. It's a position of power, and even though athaari had access to little of import, the very fact that she had pulled the wool over our eyes again was reward.

Read up on trolls, if you are unconvinced. The msscribe events, a massive case of trolling in the Harry Potter fandom, though a scale far more massive than this, are eerie when one considers the similarities between this story and that one, as well as other documented cases of trolling. There are plenty of write-ups online on trolls and their tactics; athaari's fit well in.

A troll plays on trusting people, and athaari will continue to play on our instincts to trust godofstrife in the face of insurmountable evidence to the contrary. Now she gets to play both sides - the evil villain who is slandering godofstrife's good name, and the poor innocent boy who loses his friends to a troll. Whatever she does with those sockpuppets, I don't care - I don't have them friended and they are not in my communities. But I want to write this up so I and others know what to look for when the next sockpuppet comes along, and so those who still have doubts and may think I'm perhaps a little too quick to judge can see how it all adds up from my perspective.

Lastly, I want to say: don't be afraid to trust. Trolls don't look like normal people. Many people's instincts said godofstrife was lying about something; same with athaari. I've made many new friends as of late, and I have no difficulty feeling certain that each and every one of them are, if not entirely who they claim to be, at least not claiming to be otherwise in order to troll. Be aware of what a troll looks like, and be smart about it, but we should all be careful on the internet anyway. Don't give away your real name to someone whom you aren't absolutely certain about. Athaari and godofstrife both got mine, unfortunately, and I'd love for others to learn from my mistakes. I don't hide my online identity from family, friends, or non-existent boss. Other people do, and have good reasons for it.

I don't think I should have to ask, but this isn't an invite to harass the user godofstrife - the best way to beat a troll is to ignore them. For all she's tried to use it as her tool, who_anon has done a great job with this. That said, I don't mind if anyone continues to socialize with godofstrife. Feel free, if you're getting something out of it! Online friendships don't have to be founded on deep trust - most aren't. A shared fandom is often enough. But keep your eyes open: athaari's next actions might have more consequences than making someone think their account is hacked. I don't want anyone to say I let that happen because I didn't share what I knew.

About comments: they are currently screened. HOWEVER, I will be un-screening them as I see fit, so if you don't wish to make a comment public, send me a PM. I am happy to elaborate on any of this, but this post is not intended to be the beginning of a debate, simply a PSA.

Some thoughts on dance...

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:21:54 GMT

I am not a dancer, but I grew up with dance. For my own part, I Scottish Country danced every Friday with my family, so I understand the sheer pleasure of movement to music on an instinctual level, though I am not talented at it.

Moreso, my sister danced growing up. She followed the city's top dance school's professional ballet track to the end of it at age sixteen. At her peak, she was taking fourteen separate classes a week - on top of regular high school at a school on the other side of the city. Not just ballet, of course, but modern, jazz, spanish, and surely others I am forgetting.

The result of this is for a non-dancer, I have seen a lot of dance. From her school's recitals with students at all skill levels, to ballet after ballet (I can't count how many versions of the Nutcracker I've seen! Let alone Giselle and Onegin and Cinderella and Swan Lake and Beauty and the Beast and Romeo and Juliet...) at the NAC, to modern performances by professionals and students in their school's full-time dance track, to world-class highland dancers (I grew up at the same church as the... 2006? world Highland Dance champion, and had the pleasure of seeing her dance many, many times), I've seen it.

Enough that I understand the medium on a deeper level than a casual viewer, enough to know when a dancer is incredibly technically skilled, and when a dancer has something more than just the technique and has the gift of dance. Enough to understand what kind of themes contemporary ballet and modern dance play with, and what those formats look like in the real world, outside of a reality show such as So You Think You Can Dance.

I don't know if it's the part of dance I don't know - ballroom dancing - that seem to be both Nigel and Mary's backgrounds that makes for the difference, but I am saddened and bewildered by the narrowness in the modern, jazz, and contemporary routines. Not necessarily in the choreographers - say what you will about Mia, she's for real. Sonya, I adore to pieces, and Stacy Tookey from SYTYCD Canada. No, it's the judges who reinforce it, week after week, who pound it into the viewers -

It's the heterosexuality of it all. Look, the real dance world? Not very heterosexual. Forget all the gay male dancers that Nigel seems to be afraid people will group him with, the dancing itself, not the classical tales but the new stuff, the contemporary and modern stuff, is often all about breaking gender boundaries. The last piece of dance I saw, by the Paris Opera Ballet, easily one of the best dance corps in the world, was a three part piece. The first was all women - strong, brutal, sharp, exhilarating. The second was men and women together, playing on classical partnerships but clearly subversive, and the third was a blatantly homo-erotic piece involving only men. It was physically powerful, yes, but it played with ideas of strength and masculinity and the marginalization of men who do not pick up on those roles. The men not only - gasp - touched each other intimately, there was even an extended scene where one man bathed the other. It was beautiful. It was uncomfortable. It was profound.

And that's not at all unusual in the dance world. But on SYTYCD? The men had better be masculine, and the women feminine, or Nigel will come down on you. The wonderful jazz piece by Sonya - clearly a fierce, alpha female - got criticized because Jeanine was in charge? Are you kidding me? And Evan was thrown around by her too much? Nigel's main problem with Evan seems to be that he's too soft for a leading man. His praise of Brandon, especially in the Paso Doble, was littered with machoisms and sexual overtones to a frankly disgusting degree.

And all the men-only choreography on the show, what is with that shit? The girls get something of a variety, and get to work together to create beautiful pieces of art. The boys, heaven forbid they touch unless it's to throw each other around, my goodness. That final dance between the top two boys had better be a battle, had better be about male posturing and machoism and sexual dominance. They'd better be trying to outdo each other. They'd better be "nasty" and dirty and sexualized men, or they weren't as good.

I love a lot of things about SYTYCD. I think bringing dance to a wider audience is a wonderful thing. But this? This is a parody of the real dance culture, sexist and dated and full of that "American" undertone that fills so much US media: fear of sexualities that are different, alternative, don't fit the perfect "male/female" duality.

It makes me so, so sad.

PSA

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:17:10 GMT

If you can't format your fic properly, I assume you can't write for shit and I will back-button out of your fic so fast my trackpad will get dented.

That's all.

Fuck My Life

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:48:14 GMT

How to skip the waiting line at the hospital Emergency Room: pull your hand out of your crotch and toss a handful of blood across the floor.

Yeah. So. The boy and I went for an awesome bike ride all over the city today. At the end of said bike ride, it started raining. We were getting home, going along the bike paths in the Experimental Farm, when the boy decides to break under some trees.

Me, being all of five feet behind him, freak out and try to break as well. Except my hands were wet and I didn't pull the back break as well as the front, but well enough so I didn't go over the handlebars, just flew forward at full speed and - you got it - impacted the bar with my crotch.

You know that pain when you stub your toe, and all you can do is yell it out but you know the pain will go away? Yeah, that's what it was like. I rolled around and swore in the grass for a while, but once the pain started dying down, I realized I was bleeding. Heavily. We were pretty much alone in a field, so I stuck my hand down my pants and pulled them out covered in blood - when the boy took a look, it was like somebody turned on a faucet. I stood there holding my crotch like an idiot, trying not to bleed on my shoes, while we called the in-laws (who live in our building, near-by) to pick me up, and one of Brian's coworkers with an SUV to pick up Brian and the bikes.

At the hospital, it was sort of funny. There was the first lady in Emerg, who put my name down on a piece of paper, who didn't really realize what had happened until I reached out to take the paper with a bloodstained hand. Then there was the first triage guy, who took the paper from said bloodstained hand and asked what had happened, and then told me to go sit down(!) But all that walking had upped the bloodflow, so when I sat down and pulled out my hand to switch them, I pulled out a whole handful of blood and accidentally threw it across the floor.

Uh. Apparently at that point sister-in-law's husband was like "L, go tell them she can't sit here", but then they called my name anyway, and did all the blood pressure, temperature, allergies stuff while I tried not to bleed all over their chair, and then they put me in a wheelchair and got me situation in a room.

At that point, nothing actually hurt, and by the time they took a look the bleeding had slowed a lot from the pressure (the boy, who showed up while I was waiting for the Doctor to stitch me up, said everything was white from bloodloss and the pressure - the unflappable guy stood and watched while they sewed me up.) but the doctor decided I needed stitches anyway, since there seemed to be one blood vessel bleeding a lot, and it's not exactly somewhere you can tape up and apply pressure to all night!

The inch-long cut (which apparently goes right up next to my clit, and HOLY FUCK did the two stitches they put in that part ever hurt) got four stitches, about on par with previous pain I've had from all my bartholin cyst adventures. So now I have two scars on the same side of my vulva, just inside. And I haven't even had a baby yet, fuck!

Anyway, I'm fine. A little exhausted and a bit sore and maybe a bit shellshocked from the HOLY FUCK ARE YOU SEWING UP MY CLITORIS part of the adventure, but it's done, and it will heal fine. Gah.

Dear Photobucket...

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 14:32:55 GMT

bbm_got_me_good pointed me towards photobucket's contact page, so I figured instead of whining I might as well send them a message. Who knows, maybe somebody will actually read it and pass it up? Feel free to snag and adapt if you feel similarly inspired to complain.

Hello,

I was recently collecting images from Prop 8 rallies in California, and in the process, searched the term "gay rights" on your site.

I was more than a little surprised when instead of seeing the results of my search, I got a page telling me I was probably searching for adult content, and that "Photobucket does NOT host sexually explicit content."

I hope you can understand my shock and upset at this. As a queer woman, moments like that remind me how much of society believes we are dirty, simply because of our sexual orientation. Perhaps whomever made that decision did so in good faith without realizing the impact it can have, so I'm writing to point out that classifying "gay" as something adult, explicit, and inappropriate is not a decision that hurts no one. I was pleased - and also confused - to see that lesbian, queer, and homosexual do not give the same warning, but that doesn't negate the initial disappointment. Please reconsider this policy, particularly in light of the recent negative press companies like Amazon have received for their homophobic search policies.

Thanks for you time,
(insert real name here)

Wait. What?

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:45:27 GMT

Since when was "gay rights" a term that probably relates to adult content and requires a reminder that Photobucket "does NOT host sexually explicit content"?

Click for larger, or search it yourself.

NOTE TO PHOTOBUCKET: "GAY" IS NOT RATED NC-17. Shall we send you over to Amazon so you can learn why?

Some funny for the pain.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 02:02:16 GMT

Yes yes, the Miss California Debacle is old news, but I just stumbled across this dude (don'taskhowplease) and his hilarious youtube vids, and this one made me crack up awesomely:

Most amateur youtube stuff I can't watch, but this guy? Timing, wit, and good editing. And pretty adorably cute.

ETA. Oh google. Why do I love you? Because you think of little random details. Like, changing the hrule in google search to a rainbow for searches with the word "gay" in them.

OMG Berlin

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:34:35 GMT

So, I always thought the whole ``Aryan Race´´ thing of Hitler´s with blue eyes and blond hair was a little odd, because, seriously, blond hair and blue eyes is not that common.

Uh, not in Germany. I swear, the last time I saw that many identical blue eyes was at a family reunion (Seven out of eight of my cousins have blue eyes. My sister is the only exception with her green eyes. My grandma had one brown-eyed child, my dad, and the story goes that after the birth of each grandchild she sang to her little brown-eyed baby, even though none of us were). Guess that´s what growing up in a city of first and second and third and MAYBE more if you´re special generation citizens does to you - the idea of ethnic homogeny within caucasians never occurred to me. I mean, there are obviously lots of brown-eyed Germans, but I didn´t see them.

Only been in Berlin for a few hours, mostly have just napped an ate. The train station was intense - shiny new metallic and glass thingy. We´d arrived from four nights in Prague, which I do believe has been, hands down, the most overall beautiful city we´ve seen. I´d only really heard of Art Nouveau architecture before, but now I think I really understand it! It´s a funny city, in a way, such a hodge podge of architectural styles that somehow all work together. I loved loved loved the gothic cathedral in Prague Castle, St. Vitus´s, especially: I´m often underwhelmed by cathedrals but the combination of the enorminity and relative starkness of the interior architecture and the lush and incredibly colourful stained glass that warmed the walls made it really quite stunning. But mostly, Prague was our musical city! (Paris was art, Rome ancient history, Florence food, and Prague music. Not on purpose, this is just how it´s worked out.) We saw the Prague Symphony Orchestra in the (amazing Art Nouveau Smetlana hall of the) Municipal House, a string quintet doing Vivaldi´s Four Seasons in the Hussite Cathedral in the old town square, and on the last night, we had dinner on a jazz boat with a ridiculously fun swing band doing Louis Armstrong era jazz. Serious win! Also, Czech beer for the win.

Pet peeve of the day:

Sat, 02 May 2009 04:16:29 GMT

NO.

(And this happens all the time. People. I know the US is the biggest and bestest country in the whole wide world, but that does not make you A WHOLE CONTINENT.)

(Er, context: a lot of webpages, particularly those selling things, make you choose your country before seeing the webpage. When you hover over the US flag at the sims 3 website, it says "North America".)

Hurrah!

Fri, 01 May 2009 02:06:09 GMT

Dreamwidth is open (beta) for business! Hurrah! I've already purchesed my paid account, and am looking forward to getting invite codes to hand out. I currently think I have onebrightroad and notevery who asked and - I think - aren't there yet, but if you would like one or I've promised you one before and lost track, leave a comment and let me know.

Ahhh insanity.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 08:05:19 GMT

1) MONEY. How I loathe you. I transferred money from one account to another (online, same bank) in order to write myself a cheque to an account I can access in Europe, except the transfer never happened so the cheque bounced and I (we, it was a joint account) got an NSF charge. At first I thought it had been my fault - i.e. that I hadn't made the transfer - but then when I tried to make the transfer again, it SEEMED to work, only to disappear from all existence half an hour later. WTF? So now I have to call bank 1 to complain and ask WTF, and then go to bank 2 with a cheque of Real Money (tm). Fuck.

2) CELLPHONES. My cellphone's service isn't working! I get "emergency only", which B says happens sometimes, but I am all nervous after the above money issues. I checked, and they did indeed take the usual payment off my credit card on the 20th, so they can't have disconnected me or anything. But when I was panicking about the above, it was really annoying - I ended up downloading and paying for Skype. God Bless the internet.

3) AMERICAN IDOL. VOTE FOR ADAM YOU AMERICANS BECAUSE I CAN'T. Fuck. I watched it with my sister and mum, who don't normally watch it, and they must think I'm insane now for all the freaking out I did. I think he wasn't actually 2nd lowest, but 3rd, since Ryan never actually said "this is your bottom 2", but I digress.

The idolatry interviews with Anoop are awesome, btw. I never clicked with his music (and he wants to do comtemp R&B, so that makes sense) but he's intelligent, articulate, and really funny and straight-forward. Well-worth watching! And Adam's studio recording of "Feeling Good" is un-fucking-believable, especially the parts that weren't in the live performance at all. He basically sings as a countertenor for a few moments there, for crying out loud.

4) BOYFRIEND. Is being pissy because he is sick and keeping a totally ridiculous schedule because he absolutely MUST turkey hunt every day. I think this is as ridiculous as it sounds, even though hunting and fishing normally puts him in a good mood. Anyway, he is being super-tetchy, though he hasn't quite blown his top at me yet. I'm hoping I can avoid that and skive off to Europe, because dude. I am not responsible for your fucked-up-sleeping-schedule. Of course, if he keeps this crazy schedule wherein we do not cross paths very often, this won't be very hard.

Oh Adam Lambert, why do you make me so happy?

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:41:31 GMT

Aw crap. I totally have a crush on this guy - and the more of his Upright Cabaret songs they leak, the more I totally adore him. But, good god, that voice! What I can't get over is the range, and more than that, how flawlessly he can sing in that usually dangerous mid-range that could be chest voice and could be falsetto. Apparently this transition is called passaggio and is part of the reason why people are enchanted by his idol performances even if they don't like the style or the song or arrangement. Almost all of his most-lauded performance (Mad World) was smack-dab in that range.

I love this performance half for his attitude and half because he just totally dives into the vocal gymnastics:

"What's Up" is a pretty perfect song for him, lyrically, and I just love the way this performance fits all together:

Crazy is just crazy - how is that much power and control so effortless?

Here's something a little more sweet and delicate (Come Home), plenty of that nearly-falsetto softness he does on AI occasionally.

funny, despair and bliss feel the same, just opposite

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 15:57:09 GMT

I had a moment of absolute, gut-wrenching despair last night. While doing the dishes, as these things are wont to happen, and fortunately B was in the living room or I might have taken out my frustration on said poor, blameless dishes.

Why the fuck is homo/bi/asexuality still an issue? Why? I don't get it, and I feel so complicit to it because I forgive people for being homophobic where I wouldn't forgive them for being racist or sexist, because I read people's "homosexuality is a sin" issues and get angry not at their opinion, not really - no, I'm angry that I have to be angry because they're normal. Normal!

How the hell is it normal to be uncomfortable with people of another sexuality than your own? How did we end up in this place, where I feel so happy seeing someone who's out, a celebrity who's comfortable with their not-heterosexuality, or where I get positively THRILLED to see gay characters in television or in books, or where I'm giddy when a reality-show contestant introduces their same-sex spouse. Fuck. I hate that these things make me ecstatic because there's nothing special about them. But there is, because of the way the world is.

And I read about my friends. Bisexual woman having to defend their locker-room etiquette. Gay men having to say "fuck it" to be physically affectionate in public. And I feel for them and - god damn it, I don't even understand why we're in this place.

I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it, and I hate that all this hate makes me unable to talk to people who fill that "normal", because I just want to claw at them and say "why? why?" until they get it.I can't agree to disagree, I can't respect your opinion, or your faith, or that our society is open to "dialogue" between the "two sides", because your side is hurting my side. Every fucking day, in more ways than you or I or any one person can understand. So no, I don't want to be sensible about it. I don't want to invite you in to talk about your issues, because everything you stand for is founded on hate, hate, hate, and I am done making nice.

LGBT Fic Rec

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:35:43 GMT

What He Should Have Been, by littlenotebook.

The prompt they're responding to was: When Ianto was a little girl all he wanted was to be able to wear his father's suits. Now he does, but his family doesn't want anything to do with him. And damn, does it ever do it justice. Why? Because I really believe that yeah, this could be my Ianto, without a question.

Getting the words going...

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 06:00:54 GMT

I said snippets, so here is a snippet I liked enough to put over at demotu_writes!

Title: Tempus Fugit
Rating: standard
Length: 400 words
Characters: Jack, Time
Summary: Time is unremarkable, to those who move with it.

Author’s Notes: Pretentious fic is pretentious, but when you're working with the philosophy_20 prompts, it's forgivable. Unbetaed, stream of consciousness, mostly be trying to find my writing mojo again. It started out in response to the "God" prompt, but ended up being more "Time". I'm not picky!

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:31:44 GMT

You've probably already seen that ad, and you've probably already been linked to bodlon's post on the topic of the backlash against gay marriage. smirnoffmule also linked me to a breakdown of the lies in the video.

Last night, I was watching the latest episode of Project Runway Canada, the second-last episode where the mentor goes back to the contestants homes to see their collections and meet their friends and families. The front-runner, Sunny Fong, who we already know lost his father to cancer, talks a bit about how he hopes his mum will be proud of him if he wins, because even though he knows she is, she's never said it out loud. He tears up - it's very moving, and very clear there's some difficulty between them.

And then we go meet his friends, who are "more his family than his actual family", including... his husband.

You know, gay marriage has been legal here for a few years now, and I still get startled and excited when I hear a man introduce his husband, or a woman introduce her wife. Because it's true. Because they get to say it. Because they don't have to help anyone hide their bigotry behind vague terms like "partner", or juvenile terms like "boyfriend/girlfriend".

Because they've been together for nine years, and how dare anyone tell Sunny he doesn't have a right to make a new, legal family with this man whom he so clearly adores?

Take heart, my American friends. You'll get there. It'll suck, it might take the overturning of a generation, but I believe with all my heart you will get there. Because it's about freedom. Because it's about love. Because it's the only right thing to do, and though sometimes getting it right takes time, you're pretty damn good at getting there eventually.

I made drabble.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 02:15:54 GMT

It is a first! Just popped into my head for tw100's latest prompt. Weird, because I almost never read drabbles. But oh well. Originally posted at the comm.

Title: constant/erratic
Rating: open
Challenge: missing scene
A/N: Missing scene from Meat. Information on erratics.

You watch from the door. His jaw clenches and releases, a rhythmic suppression of expression, the slouch of his back an acknowledgement of defeat.

"She's still here," you say. The bitter implication can't be washed away, a dirty penny on your tongue: it's only time.

"I suppose you'll be happy."

A low blow, because he wants both and knows he can’t push you away, not like her. He will rage against you, and try to erode you away with the devastating force of a glacier, but you will remain, an erratic on the moor.

“No,” you disagree. “But she will.”

~